A Handy Guide To Gentrification
“Well, it is crazy cheap to live there…”
I hate Wilmington*!
*(or choose one of the following)
d) Fort Lee
e) Purseville, a tiny town upstate that, in the early 1900s, was the purse-making capital of the country
Oh my god, have you ever been? It is the WORST. I went there for my cousin’s wedding and I can’t believe people actually LIVE there. It is devoid of all culture and has zero _______.
a) restaurants that aren’t fast food chains
b) gay bars except for this sad, rainbow flag-covered dive that I would never set foot in called Mirage
c) people of color
e) well, there is no English word for it, but in German they call it Schprechtstäfft
It’s also incredibly dangerous and _________.
a) once my cousin was mugged there at gunpoint
b) they keep finding severed goat heads in the park
c) is the Kidney Theft Capital of the country
d) has a terrible “spongecake” epidemic (have you heard of spongecake? It’s this new AWFUL drug that is more addictive than crack and makes your eyeballs shrivel into raisins!)
e) Robert Durst was recently spotted in a wig at the Price Chopper
That said, it IS crazy cheap to live in Wilmington. My friend Caleb just moved there and for very little money bought a ________.
a) ramshackle old Victorian
b) former purse clasp factory
c) entire car dealership
d) abandoned polio hospital
e) haunted roller disco
And now I hear all these young people are moving to Wilmington. Apparently a group of ambitious and optimistic millennials created this whole ________.
a) sharing community full of love and light that is so much better than here
b) Hispanic food system (They said that Hispanic is cool to say again!)
c) paleolithic cave-diet collective that lives in an actual cave
d) hydroponic vape church
e) livable hammock tree house constructed entirely out of plastic bags and recycled Stumptown coffee grounds